By Lord Isis
“Following the same diplomatic script he has used in the past, President Clinton dropped in on a White House meeting between Vice President Al Gore and the Dalai Lama and told the exiled Tibetan leader that he would urge China to open a dialogue with him.” —Alison Mitchell, New York Times, 27 April 1993
“Hey Al,” called Clinton in his familiar gravelly voice. “Sorry to just barge in on you like this, but how about a round of golf .. .oh my gawd.”
The door swung open to reveal the Vice President and His Holiness respectively breaking the Seventh Commandment and the Fourth Precept.
“Well I see you’ve got company…”
“Hi Bill,” replied Al, his head somewhere underneath a set of maroon robes. “This here’s the Dalai Lama. Have you two met?”
“Never formally,” said Clinton.
With a low, contrabass chuckle, the Dalai Lama pressed his hands together in greeting — then did the same with his feet. Clinton marveled at the way His Holiness could twist his legs around his own head. I guess he really is a splittist, he thought.
“Say, Dalai Lama,” said Clinton, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. It says here” — and at this point, he held up copies of The Advocate and Tricycle — “that according to Tibetan Buddhism, gay sex is a violation of the refuge vow.”
“Well, you see,” said the Dalai Lama, “it is not so much a matter of gay or not gay. But gay sex uses, how you say? the wrong hole. At least this is what Ashvagosha says. Of course I am no expert…”
Gore and Clinton glanced at each other.
“Maybe we can help you become an expert,” volunteered Clinton. In a practiced move, he removed his trousers and exposed his coiled, swinish phallus. Its glistening smegma reminded the Dalai Lama of the pungent odor of butter lamps.
“Gonchoksum!” exclaimed the Dalai Lama. Oh, the Three Jewels!
“You see,” Clinton continued, “I used to deny who I was. All those slutty women were just overcompensation, and Hillary was just self-punishment. But thanks to Pee-Wee Herman, I know who I am now.”
“I have an idea,” said Gore. “Let’s have one of them…what do you call it?”
“A formal debate,” intejected Clinton. “It’ll be just like back home, on the courtyard of the Dialectics Institute in Dharamsala.”
“And whoever loses has to…” Then Gore whispered something into the Dalai Lama’s ear.
“Prince Charles?!” The Dalai Lama’s eyes widened. “Well, as long as it is for the benefit of all sentient beings…”
Clinton smiled. This was going to be easier than with Mother Teresa.
“I have spent time with the Dalai Lama…And I believe that if President Jiang had a conversation with the Dalai Lama then they would like each other very much.” —Bill Clinton, 27 June 1998
Epilogue: Photo taken June 20, 2012